Round 2 of Chemotherapy this afternoon..."DING".
To say that I'm dreading today would be an understatement.
The first time I didn't know what to expect, and while overall, I'd say that the entire cycle was not as horrible as I expected, that first night after was really, really bad. I've changed my anti-nausea drug to a stronger one, and will take it when I'm done, rather than waiting until I start to feel bad.
Additionally, I have a school meeting tonight, too, that I need to go to, to learn about 5th grade camp that C is going to in a few weeks. B can't go because he starts soccer practice tonight. Miraculously, life continues around me, even when I feel like mine is at a standstill.
I'm not even sure what to write about sometimes. Sometimes I don't write in my blog not because I don't have anything to say, but because I have too much. Do I write about how different my life is since I was diagnosed with cancer? And yet, it is not so different. I still have to wake up (even if I don't GET up), laundry still needs to be done, bills to be paid, children, dogs and cats to be taken care of, homework to be checked, etc, etc. So, having cancer didn't change things much. This is a temporary speed bump in my life, if I choose it to be so- I just need to keep going and pretty soon this whole experience will just be a memory.
The problem is that cancer changed everything all at once, and then continues to insinuate itself into my life on a daily basis. How can I NOT change my life as a result of this experience? I experience everything around me with a new perspective. I cannot bear to go through another 5 months of being poisoned for nothing.
I pray for clarity of purpose. I do not know what I will be in a year. I want to believe that my new life plan will slowly unfold over these next long months and my job is to keep my eyes open so I don't miss the opportunities that rise up in front of me. I must believe this, or I cannot go on.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."