Om Shanti

Biggest news right now....we have a new PUPPY!

ok, now that everyone has a chance to say either; 1. congrats! 2. are you crazy?? 3. you got ANOTHER dog- are you absolutely completely crazy???

Yes, we must be crazy, but bottom line is, everyone loves a puppy and she is god-awful adorable.  She is a lab/terrier mix we named "Shanti" - "PEACE" in Hindi/Sanskrit.  She will be 4 months old on Feb 7, and so far she is living up to her name at least in temperament.  (NOT as in peacefully sleeping at 4am, but that is expected when you get a new baby/puppy).   She is fairly small, in my opinion, for her age, so I'm hoping that we don't get a 90 pound lab when all is said and done.  Max is starting to appreciate having a playmate that doesn't hiss and run away when he starts chewy on his head, and they have been playing chase, keep away, and a couple of WWE moves I don't know the names of.

Max enjoying his pool

Big things happened right at the end of the year, Brian started a new job, and left the home office, which is one reason why we started considering getting a canine companion for Mr. Pickles (aka Max the mookie).  I thought we should go for a more mature dog, around Max's age, but unfortunately, Brian found the petfinder puppy page and there was a perfect storm where they just happened to be showing at a local pet store in an area we were going to be.  Within 2 minutes, maybe, Shanti was sitting in my lap, and Brian says..."I guess we're taking THIS one."  Luckily, I had already filled out an app for this event on the chance there would be a dog we liked there, and of course, though I had looked at, and applied for several other dogs, once you have a puppy in your lap, it's yours....in my opinion, an uncontested law of the universe.   She is surprisingly mellow for a puppy, she sits very prettily, and is learning down and shake quite well.  She has good social skills- we met the airedale next door and the toy pomeranian down the street.  She was interested in meeting with the cats, who tripled their size or hid when they saw her first, and she really wanted to play with the bunnies (just about her size), but couldn't figure out why they wouldn't come out of their kennel and play?

Favorite pose at the mo'

FIRST dog I have ever owned that plays fetch, tug, chews on squeaky toys and doesn't demolish plush ones. I'm pretty excited to see what she does with a frisbee when the weather warms up.  She is also not that mouthy, despite a bevy of needle little puppy teeth, so my hands, feet, etc are very happy about that.  I think I will skip puppy school and just wait a few months for basic obedience.  I think she will know most of the commands in 2 months anyway.   She also likes to 'walk herself'.  It's quite funny, never having a dog that we didn't have to constrain in some way in order not to get dragged down the sidewalk.

Ok. Enough about Shanti.  But, you know, it's really quite nice to write about new life, energy, love, and all that stuff in a cancer blog, especially when dealing with the deaths of 2 more members of our local Gilda's club within the past month.

So here is the REVELATION part of today's blog: I FINALLY realized what I wanted to do when I grow up.  Teach Yoga.  I've known it for a long time, but with my RA, I never really thought that I would be able to stand up to the rigors I imagined a Yoga teacher must have to go through to be a Yoga teacher.   But, I realized AFTER I went through my cancer journey that I was able to do yoga all through out my surgeries and treatment, at times, the only thing that seemed to keep me sane.  If *I* can do yoga during cancer, I certainly can become a teacher and help others that are going through the same or similar ordeals.  Studies have shown the women who do yoga during breast cancer treatment get through it with better mental outlook and fewer reported side effects.  Personally, I think that they have the same amount of side effects, but use Yoga to manage them, thus taking control of their own experiences.

I learned that during childbirth.  When I was on the monitor and knew the contraction was coming, I could start breathing and relaxing BEFORE I felt the actual pain, and was able to get through it.  When I was off the monitor and the pain hit me first, it was a lot harder to deal with.  Cancer, RA, diabetes, MS, MD, heart-attack, stroke- whatever- these things take away the misconception that WE can control what happens to our bodies.  I ate organic food, exercised, etc. etc. and still I have these diseases.  I can view myself as a victim of these diseases or I can use my yoga practice to take control back from the disease and manage it.  That means I win, despite whatever happens to me.   Just about the time I decided I REALLY wanted to take the teacher training certification offered through Hillaire Lockwood's Hilltop Yoga studio (BTW -Hillaire is a chronic cancer survivor and KICKS ASS!),  I was approached by a recruiter for a staffing firm in Lansing.  Looking for a Business Analyst to do some testing for the State of MI.   About 10 minutes from Hillaire's Old Town studio.  The home office for my new company, Analysts Int'l is in Okemos, which is close to her Haslett studio.  hmmmmmm......can we say Serendipity?

I knew that when the right job came up, I would know it, and guess what, I did!  So, though I'm just finishing my first month on the contract, things seem to be going pretty well.

Brian took me to a pottery wheel workshop courtesy of Groupon and I made a bowl!  Wasn't really sure what it was going to be, but here it is.  I think it turned out pretty nice.  I think it will end up being a cookie bowl for the pooches....


Even though my favorite bellydance instructor Na'imah (below, far left front) LEFT US to fend for ourselves in the month of December while she went galavanting around India, she did post this lovely pic of one of our classes working on our choreography piece to Ma Tes’al Aaleya, and it actually looks like we all know what we are doing~!  

at BellyDanc Grand Rapids (I'm in the back corner)

I'm having a blast with bellydancing, it's so fun to do on a Sunday afternoon, it really helps with that Sunday evening dread of heading back to work the next day.  Additionally, I started Zumba-ing on Thursdays at my local Y...something I don't think I would have the nerve to do before all this.  THAT is hard work, but I'm starting to get good at some of the routines and having a lot of fun, which is the most important part.   I've kind of put running on the back burner, too many irons in the fire right now, but I think once Connor starts up spring soccer, I'll get back to running, since there is a good track around the field where he practices.

SO.....that is a LOT for one post, but I figure what I'm lacking in frequency these days, I'll make up in content.

Brian got a new gaming PC for xmas, and tricked out the old one with all new gaming parts, so I can have the laptop, since I lost mine when I left Farmers.  I felt a little naked without it on the weekends, even if I never opened it up.  Sort of like when you lose your phone, even if it's just misplaced, you get that panicky feeling of being disconnected.  oh what technology has done to us!!!  In any event, the thought was to get two gaming computers so I can use the laptop, which works out sort of ok, until my son wants to play some game that's only on the laptop.  Luckily, we are now in stasis- one computer for each member of the family with opposable thumbs.

But for now we've come to the end of the January installment of BCIMB.  Hopefully February will continue to bring good things into our lives. Until then-

OM shanti OM
~love, pixie

Isn't it ironic.....?

Turns out...Borg port photo out looks pretty much the same as Borg port in....at least while all the steri-strips are still in place.   I promise I will get a NICE photo of my collarbone sans bulbous goiter, but it may take awhile...those steri-strips stay on forever!

WARRIOR bracelet, peekaboo lotus breast

The surgery went awesome, about 20 minutes, and they didn't put me all the way out, just some nice relaxing whatever (couple glasses of wine would have worked out the same) and some local injections of Lido.  The surgeon was Indian and we discussed our favorite indian dishes....mine being a toss up between Madhur Jaffrey's Lamb Saag and Fresh coriander chicken with lemon.  At 8:30 in the am, a strange conversation, but I hadn't eaten yet, and I'm not sure how long the surgeon had been on duty.  The nurse said she could have put me out totally, but said they were all very entertained by our conversations.  I guess I should feel flattered that she didn't feel the need to shut me up....   :)

I'm a little more sore than I expected, and it feels so strange to be able to move my head in any direction and not feel that now familiar tug of the catheter.

I know people have had huge celebrations, meltdowns, etc. once the chemo is done, but I actually prefer this quiet sort of celebration that this phase of my treatment is over.  I will still have to see my oncologist in 3 months (and probably like that for awhile).


I was tempted to go back and read some of my posts from last year, when I was in the thick of things, but resisted the urge.


So much has happened since then.  The lack of posts here attest to that.  I have a feeling that this blog will start turning into a recap of what's happened vs the play by play it used to be.  Time to blog is not what it used to be.  Here are a few cool things that have gone on that I don't think would have happened had I not gone through this experience:

• I got appointed to the Lowell Community Wellness Board of Directors.  The wonderful woman who was involved with Pink Arrow Pride project had to step down after 6 years, and I'm hoping to be able to step into that project among others.  This is going to be an adventure that will take me down paths I could never imagine.  I'm looking forward it

• I got a few extra tattoos besides "the Lotus Breast".  Because of Tracey's awesome Relay for Life speech--the youtube video is posted a few blogs back-- I got my inspiration for my survivor bracelet, which turned out awesome, then went whole hog and got my 1/4 sleeve Hanuman.  Brian started on his 1/2 sleeve at the time that I went in to get my bracelet, and after a little bit of thought we decided, after what I've been through why the hell shouldn't I get it???   I wear sweaters through most of the summer anyways, when I'm indoors.  For those of you NOT familiar with the million or so Hindu dieties, Hanuman is the Hindu Monkey god.  And for those of you who know me in person, have heard my hubs call me "Monkey" a few times.  Besides that, Hanuman represents strength, he is the slayer of demons, but the embodiment of  love.  His story is told in the Ramayama, and summed up in MC Yogi's song "Rock on Hanuman".  I LOVE the way he turned out, and of course, both the hubs and I are thinking of what else we can put on our bodies....but have decided to save a little money for the holidays and stuff.

• I decided I want to become a certified yoga instructor.  I had planned on taking an intensive course at Hilltop Yoga in Lansing-where Brian took his, however, the funds were just not there, so I've postponed it until next year.  POSTPONED being the operative word.  Since my journey began, I've learned to trust my intuition a bit more. When things feel right-go with it, when they don't--back off and examine what's happening there.  More on what I want to do once I become a yoga instructor later....

• Lastly, I went all 007 and did an undercover photoshoot as a present to my hubs for our 14th anniversary.  The results are posted here and in my previous post.  I went for 20s/30s silver screen glam combined with some of my hobbies and interest- bollywood, bellydancing. And of course, the opportunity to showcase the beautiful art on my body.  I know I never would have had the confidence to even THINK of doing something like this, and the shoot was fantastically fun, and the results, amazing.  

In a way, I'm sad that I've not had the time to spend on my blog since I went back to work in July, but I suppose that is to be expected--life gets in the way.  On the other hand----LIFE---- that is what I was fighting for this whole time.

~namaste~

Goodbye to you.....

My new Hanuman Tattoo!

Monday am was my last 'regular' oncologist appt.  I go from every 3 weeks to 3 months for now!

Tomorrow am I'm getting my port out.  I'm so excited, I thought this day would never come.  I'm DONE with IV chemo.

41/2 more years on Tamoxifen, but that has not been the nightmare that I've heard others tell about.

I'm feeling pretty good, trying to fit in a run here and there, and bellydancing on the weekend.  I'm hooked on Bollywood music to get me moving in the morning.

Borg Port in

My only lasting side effects are mild neuropathy in my fingers and toes, for which I take Neurontin for, and a new stiffness in my joints that started when I started the Herceptin.  I've tried to remove all other variables- running, tamoxifen, upping my frequency of Enbrel, and I still have achey feet, ankles and hips if I sit or lay down for too long.  I'm hoping maybe it will end up being the Herceptin, so I'm going to be looking to see if my symptoms improve.

Tomorrow...I'll have a photo of BORG PORT OUT!

Ok...really?

Just got back from the doctor and on top of the bladder infection I'm treating right now, I just found out I have shingles! Ugh. Off to the pharmacy for yet ANOTHER prescription.

On the positive front- only 2 more IV Herceptin treatments. Then I can be un-Borged, just not sure when.


Cudos to my neighbor who nailed the shingles diagnosis while we were working on our bra design for "Bras Across the Grand" on October 20th at ah-Nan-Awen park.

I'm still here

It's amazing how fast your blog gets neglected once you are back into the swing of things.  I went back to work in the middle of July and here it is almost October and no posts!
Important things that happened since my last post:

My oldest step-daughter started college !!!
My sophomore step-daughter made varsity volleyball!
My son started middle school and joined the local select soccer league which means practice, practice, practice!

I ran 2 5K's - the Pink Arrow Quiver in 41:19 and the Susan G Komen West Michigan Race for the Cure in 35.48!

My hubs bought me a banner to commemorate my cancer journey and it hung on Main Street for 2 months.

I started taking bellydance classes and also dropped in on some bollywood dance classes (SOO much fun!)

My hubs and I decided to take the intensive 3 month Yoga teacher training in Lansing starting in January.  I am planning on becoming a certified yoga intructor.

I got two baby angora bunnies in March , one of which passed away suddenly last month at 6 months old, and then got another 5 month old chocolate colored English/French angora cross who is gynormous!

I have bleached my hair (which is growing in curly)  platinum blonde and also pink on two different occasions

I have spoken to 1200 High School students about Cancer and what our Pink Arrow Pride program means to me.

I've gotten 2 more tattoos....my survivor bracelet on my left wrist and a 1/4 sleeve of Hanuman, the hindu monkey diety on my right arm!  I'm just waiting for the color.  Life is too short to not do what we want to do!

And I've been continuing to go to Herceptin chemo every 3 weeks until November when I'll be able to get my port out!!!

All this and working full time, too.

I realize I need to really keep up on the blog.
I don't want people thinking that once you are done with chemo, you are done with life, or cancer either!

I'm still here, living my life, albeit with a lot more attention to doing what makes me happy, not letting my job get to me too much and appreciating all the support and love that I still get from the important people in my life.

Hopefully, it will not be another 3 months before I post again!

until then~  "Seek Peace, then pursue it!" (from psalms 34: something._

Pixie

I was hoping to add pictures to correspond to all the events I mentioned in this post, but I realized that day would never come.  I'll try to add a few into upcoming blogs so that these past few months don't just fade away.  ~ P (still badass!)

Relay for Life

I wrote this post in June and never got around to getting it published.  It's amazing how fast a year streaked by and things you thought would never arrive have come and gone.

In June, I participated in Relay for Life at Lowell High School.  I've never done a relay event before, and this year I was signed up under two teams.  My friends and family team- honoring my girl Melissa - who also is one of the organizers for the event -  her dad, my friend's mom and several other people.  Carol, our head coordinator from my Gilda's Club Survivors group, finagled me into joining their team as well.

I had 4 different shirts, but each one had a picture of my girl Victoria, who was and still is battling stage 4 colorectal cancer.

I ended up walking 17 miles in 20 hours and Brian walked 20 hours, he figures around over 50 miles in that time. While we were tired and sore at the end of it, the event raised over $62,000!  I'm really looking forward to next year, and will probably sign up to be a 12 hour walker, now that I know how things work.

Connor was the lucky one to get the honorary dunking prior to the survivor ceremony.  My friend, Tracey McDonald ended up speaking last minute at the Survivor ceremony, and additionally gave me my inspiration for my survivor bracelet tattoo! After that, we did a Survivor Lap and I got to spend some time with one of my numerous friends I met through this experience -  my friend Krystine, who is not only the grandma to my GF's son, but also turned out to be a BC survivor and my nurse on the dayshift when I had my mastectomy!

Here is Tracey's speech, it is really moving, get a coupla kleenex now!  2012 Lowell Relay for Life Survivor Ceremony Speech

 I was honored to be asked to speak at the Luminaria ceremony.  People decorate white lunch bags in honor or memory of cancer survivors and then around sundown, they surround the track and light candles in them. Then we do a lap in silence to honor them.

Here is the speech I gave: 2012 Lowell Relay for Life Luminaria speech

I stuck to my new tradition of adding some 'bling' to my hair to commemorate special occasions.  I still didn't have too much hair to do anything with, but I managed to find some to dye purple for the occasion.  The cool thing about that, as I found out, is that complete strangers recognized me after my speech and came over to talk to me

In the end I walked 17 1/4 miles over a 20 hour period, stayed up all night, learned the cupid shuffle AND performed it twice, did sunrise yoga at 7 or 8 in the morning and had a total blast!  I'm really looking forward to next year!

-----> The Cupid Shuffle ------> learn it and come out and dance with us next year!

The Luminaria bag my hubs made for me
all my family on the front and lots of
friends names on the back

Bad Dog School

Last year, before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I decided that I wanted to get more involved with my dog, Max.  We had to euthanize our other dog, Roxie, due to cancer, and Max had gotten a little crazy around the house, marking on weird things,  and generally exhibiting signs of missing his buddy. I had never taken the time to really pursue any training with my dogs other than the basics, sit, stay, down, come (sometimes), off, off the bed, etc. Roxie had spent 1/2 of her first 14 months in the world in a no kill animal shelter and was a little crazy about food and treats. Crazy like "I can't do anything but run around in circles and drool".

Max on his Roxie pillow

We believe Max was a 'drop off' dog, found wandering around Lowell with a Chocolate Lab and a collar.  No one claimed him.  He is a border collie/springer spaniel mixed with who knows what else, but the instant we saw each other it was love at first sight. Border Collies have to be one of my all time favorite dog, but I was adamant about not wanting one while we lived in town, without anything for a border collie to herd or do. I  read articles on the internet about the destruction bored border collies could wreak on a house. Yet, here I was bringing one into my own home, helpless to prevent it. Although he surprised me by being a lot less energetic in the house than I expected, when we left him alone during the day, he took the opportunity to rid my house of rugs, pillow stuffing, 100 year old oak floor molding and a few pieces of the wooden back stairs.  Max had separation anxiety.  Even with Roxie around.  After relating to my fellow co-workers the latest caper that Max had gotten into, they would laugh, shake their head and say...."and you wonder why he got dropped off....?"  Unfortunately, my son and I discovered his superpower was unbearable cuteness, and we continued to go rug free, patched up the stairs, and moved the dogs to a less damageable area on the 2nd floor landing with only 20 year old cheap wood molding.

Happily, Max and Roxie got along with each other, and when I took them to our new dog park, they both had a great time chasing around with all the other dogs.  A couple of years went by and one day at the dog park he decided to lunge at a cute little golden retriever puppy there.  I was really shocked and surprised, he had never done that before!  The next time I took him, he got into it with some Old English Sheepdogs about twice his size before the owner could step in and separate them.  Eventually I stopped taking him to the dog park because he would get into it with any dog that came near us.  Brian thought maybe he was protecting me, but I didn't know what was going on.  Additionally, he started having panic attacks during rainstorms and thunderstorms.  We always know when a weather front is rolling through because Max starts panting, drooling and shaking.

Sweet Max

Cujo

When we had to put Roxie down, he seemed to get a little worse, but fortunately, Brian started a new job working at home so that Max wasn't alone all day long.  I decided that since Max was equally motivated by love AND food, I wanted to start working with training him to do a few more things besides the basics.  When we first got him I took him to basic obedience and he aced that. I signed him up for advanced obedience, though now with trepidation....what would he do around the other dogs?  In his house and yard, or around friends he was the sweetest dog, but as soon as another dog, small child or even unfamiliar adult would approach him suddenly he turned into Cujo!

After speaking with the owner of the training center, she thought that it would be ok to bring him, and we would just keep an eye on him.  He did really well, as long as no other dogs got too close to him.  Then he would put on his Cujo show.  We could reduce the tendency by putting benches in between him and the other dog, but at least once a class he would bring out his Cujo impersonation.

None the less, we ended up passing the Canine Good Citizen test at the end of the class, with the exception of the test of being left alone for 3 minutes out of sight of me.

The owner suggested that in the spring, he would be a good candidate for Rally, a competitive obedience sport, ON-leash, where dogs and owners run a course filled with obstacles like, sit, down and stay, turn in a circle, figure eights between cones, etc. all while heeling on a leash with their handler.  We signed up for it and had a great time.  Max did really well with the obstacles but still managed to pull a few Cujo's out each class.  In the middle of all this, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I missed the class the night I found out, but we managed to finish the class.

Max was definitely my cancer/chemo buddy, he was always there if I needed a snuggle partner. When I had the energy I worked with him on small tricks, my favorite one being "Wipe your Feet" when coming in from the winter rains and brief snows that we had.  I had already taught him to shake with both front paws, so I just added a sit on the mat at the door, and a back feet command to wipe all the mud, snow or whatever out of his furry little webbed toes. I also taught him to spin in circles and rollover, as well as relax, which HE actually taught me, and I went with it and made it a real rewardable trick for him to do.

Once my chemo was over, I started thinking about taking him back for some more training.  I didn't feel comfortable with going to the intermediate Rally class, so we signed up to do the Intro to Rally again.  This time, the class was held in the outdoor arena versus the indoor metal pole barn where we had taken all our classes before.

The outdoor training arena is WAAAAY more interesting and distracting than the indoor one, all sorts of outdoor smells, and countless dogs that had trained there before.  Additionally, they split the course in 1/2 to combine two different classes, our Rally class on the entrance side, and an Agility class on the far side of the arena, separated by a snow fence.  Max, true to form, had his little tantrums with each of the dogs in our class, luckily, only about 4 at any one time.  Unfortunately, he also had about 8 other strange dogs on the OTHER side of him that would cross back and forth in front of him periodically.  The last two weeks of the class, he had managed to drag me across the grass twice, and pulled the leash completely out of my hand, to get into it with a bigger border collie.  We had one class to go--the final exam as it were-- where we wouldn't have any instruction, just run a few courses for a score, just like a real Rally competition.  I got an email a few days before from the owner of the facility telling me that she and the trainer thought that Max's behavior was escalating and that he probably shouldn't come back in for the final class, due to safety reasons.  I was crushed, one, because I'm madly in love with my dog, but two because I had no idea what or why he acted the way he acted.  They recommended I see a behaviorist in town, who runs Reactive Dog classes, before he returned for any more classes at the facility.

I contacted Christine, who I had met with before, and she told me that she didn't have any classes running at time, but would be willing to work with me either privately or semi privately.  So I agreed, and we turned up at her house 2 weeks ago for "Bad Dog School".  Of course, since there were no dogs around, he was the perfect gentleman, sweet, doting, only slightly shell shocked when I put his Halti head halter on and took him for a walk. She gave us homework, a book for me to read and a recommendation for a product called 'composure', which is an all natural herbal supplement that helps anxious dogs.

I read through the book, practiced our exercises--go to place, and walking on a head halter-- even teaching Max a new trick..."is your nose itchy? scratch it" (it's adorable).  Tomorrow is our next appointment, and I think that there will be at least one other dog there.  I'm a little nervous how it's going to turn out.  I plan to stop off at the store beforehand for a canister of squeeze cheez bacon flavor to really motivate Max.  I hope it works.  I guess we will have to wait and see!