A prayer for peace today

image courtesy of  http://vicpeace.ca/vpc.gif

From his holiness the Dalai Lama, in his book, "How to Be Compassionate".

"If we allow love and compassion to be dominated by anger, we will sacrifice the best part of our human intelligence - wisdom, which is our ability to decide between right and wrong.  Along with selfishness, anger is one of the most serious problems facing the world today...These conflicts arise from a failure to understand how much we have in common.

"Answers cannot be found in the development and use of greater military force, nor can they be purely political or technological. The problems we face cannot be blamed upon one individual person or a single cause, for they are the result of our own negligence.

"Hatred and fighting cannot bring happiness to anyone, even to those who win. Violence always produces misery, so it is fundamentally counterproductive."

"The sale of weapons, thousands and thousands of types of arms and ammunition by manufacturers in big countries, fuels the violence, but more dangerous than guns or bombs are hatred, lack of compassion, and lack of respect for the rights of others.

"External peace is impossible without inner peace. As long as hatred dwells in the human mind, real peace is impossible. We can only solve our problems through truly peaceful means--not just peaceful words, but actions based on a peaceful mind and heart.  This is the way we will come to live in a better world."

So my prayer for the world is to bless everyone with a peaceful heart and mind today.

Amen.

Dandelion Head

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along'. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt.


My hair officially started falling out Wednesday - day 16 - after my first Chemo treatment with Adriamycin and Cytoxan.  I have been trying to hang on to hair and color until today, the Pink Arrow Pride Football game. The color is fading, but still obviously pink, I'm not sure what is going to happen when I wash it today.  I feel like if I sneeze hard enough or get out in the wind, it will all blow away just like a dandelion gone to seed.  I have to admit that I thought I was prepared to lose my hair.  In reality, I think I was prepared for being bald.  Two totally different things.  Having my hair fall out in handfuls is really demoralizing.  As if all the other things that I've endured and survived is not yet enough.  If not for the game, I would have shaved it off Wednesday to avoid this whole experience, but my stylist talked me into holding on just 2 more days and then we will shave it after the 5K run on Saturday. No need to tell anyone that I am undergoing chemo.  One furtive look and they will know. I think this is what bothers me most about this whole cancer experience, and why I have been so open in talking about the fact that I have cancer.  I don't want people pitying me, or whispering before I come into a room or after I leave it.  I want people to know that I am dealing with this thing, and THIS is what cancer looks like.  I'm sure that once the hot pink fauxhawk is gone, I will figure out another way to flip cancer the bird, I just haven't figured out how just yet.

Me and Mom and Pink Arrow Jersey Auction.

So...tonight is a big night.  This year is the 4th Pink Arrow Pride game, and obviously the one I will probably remember for the rest of my life. Additionally, ultimate coolness, NBC Today show is coming!  Lowell will be on national TV for a few seconds, and for something GOOD.  This project does so much good for the community.   I'm proud to be involved with it, albeit, minimally this year. I am thinking that I want to volunteer with the project next year.

My mom's quilt was quite a hit with the coach and the volunteers, they decided to keep it for game day raffle rather than auction it off to the small number of people attending the Jersey auction. Additionally, she will get a little blurb in the program tonight about why she made it, and what Pink Arrow Pride means to her.  I'm totally excited for her, she does such beautiful work, and I don't know that she has ever sold one of her quilts, she always gives them away.

I decided this was not the year for me to get a football jersey.  Too many medical bills, and I can't seem to think about the whole thing without tearing up. every. single. time.  So, best to go as a supporter and maybe next year I will see if I can raise enough money to get one. The least expensive one went for $500 this year, so I have a little fundraising or saving up to do if I want one.

 My fundraising efforts this year went to Susan G Komen Race for the Cure in W. Michigan.  Our team has raised $1860 so far!  That exceeded our $1200 goal!  Additionally, both B and I met one of their weekly challenges and each won a pair of free new balance shoes!  (Mine are PINK)

 B's are Red and Silver....Lowell Red Arrow colors!!  I don't think we will get them in time for the race, but my girl J from Shelby Twp, sent me a care package of lovely pink ribbon jewelry AND a pair of bright pink shoelaces from her Aunt, a BC survivor!  So, I will definitely be pinked out for that.

My last week has been up and down.  My energy level started going up after the 10 day mark, but then I got a viral infection on Monday- swollen glands, sore throat, and low fever - that knocked me back down again.  After laying very low this week, AND managing to free up some knitting needles, I'm starting to feel better...just in time for my next Chemo on Monday.  I have a stronger anti-nausea med this time around - Zofran...so I'm hoping and praying that I don't get a repeat performance of 'the night after Chemo'....shudder....

In the meantime, I did manage to finish up a hat that started life as an infant hat...not sure what happened, but when I dragged it back out on Tuesday to see if I could salvage it for someone's little girl, I found that it fit me!  Ironic that the next day I realized I had better finish it up quick so I have something to put on my head!
My girl L called it my 'baldy beanie'.  It turned out pretty cute, and matches my current hair perfectly, though I think I look pretty dorky in it. It is organic cotton yarn, so soft and cozy for my tender head right now.  I'm pretty sure I will need a few more to get me through the next 6 months!  Better get to it, then!

my Baldy Beanie

Hamsa

"My dear friend,

"These ladies have come to bring you this ancient and venerable hamsa.  The hamsa/hamesh or "Hand of Fatima/Mariam/Mary" is recognized by all people of the Book. It's symbolism and mystery date back as far as Mesopotamia.

"The hamsa is a symbol of the strength and protection of women for women.  This hamsa was held by women for untold time in their homes of Egypt, and it protected them from the evil eye.  It then was carried from there many years later and came into the hands of one of my teachers, Aida al Adawi.

"From her hands it was passed to me a decade ago and was adorned with the beads you see with it now. We took this powerful amulet to a dear friend who needed our love and support when we could not always be there with her and she carried it with her to her treatments, and held it until she was well again. And then, when she was strong, she brought it back to me in order for it to be passed on yet again. I myself held the hamsa after the loss of my mother and now I am strong again and ready to pass it on.

"We bring this to you here to have you take with you the love and support and blessings it represents, from woman to woman.  When you have gained the strength you need and are ready, we will again take back the hamsa to be passed along to another who needs that protection. Only you will know when it is time, there is no predestined date. Only a sense in your heart and mind that you are ready to pass the amulet on.  We love you and hold you safe in our hearts and minds.  And so it will continue...

"~C"

Are my girls awesome or what?!

"This is our lives on holiday." ~Green Day

My son has been listening to about 5 songs non-stop over the past few weeks on my iPod while playing video or computer games- Breaking Benjamin and Green Day...so I pretty much have all the lyrics memorized by now.

However, I thought it was a fitting title for my post today.  I have met some truly wonderful people on the website ihadcancer.com.  This is a support site for cancer fighters, survivors and supporters.  Through it I have met people from all over the world that have been there for me throughout this journey.  People whose lives have been touched by cancer in some way, and want to be a part of a bigger picture to reach out to others who share a similar story.  People I can rant to in the middle of the night when I am feeling angry, sad, or whatever. Who tell me to hang in there, keep fighting, things will get better.

My girl K, from ME, is one of those people.  She is going through similar treatment for her cancer as I am for mine.  We had similar surgeries - she is my cheerleader for this damn roboboob of mine when I feel like I can't stand another second with it inside my body.  She is going through chemo now, the same two drugs, but on a faster schedule, AND she is working through it all.

I, on the other hand, am not. Working.  My life at work was so stressful prior to finding out I had cancer, I can't even imagine trying to deal with going to work AND taking care of myself during this whole thing.

I would like to point out that not working during chemotherapy is NOT the same thing as being on vacation. Even if I talk about trying to do a bunch of stuff around the house to keep me from going stir crazy.  Half the time I don't even have energy to watch TV! I just end up laying in bed staring at the wall or the ceiling.

My girl K pretty much summed it up to me in an email the other day. I don't even want to paraphrase it because it perfectly expresses what we are going through just the way it was written:

"I would never, ever want this to happen to me or anyone else I know. Even my worst enemy. This is the biggest pool of SUCK. This is no luxury! We've been told we have cancer, which is a huge, horrible blow in and of itself. 
Then we have body parts cut off and foreign objects sewn into us. Now we have to be POISONED on a regular basis and feel like shit and lose our hair and look like shit. And some of us have to get zapped with radiation. And have another surgery. Then have constant checkups. And then worry for the rest of our lives that this shit is going to come back.  But still have somewhat of a normal life while all of this is going on: chores, be a mom, be a wife, keep up the house, etc. etc. You are not on a vacation. Just because you're not working somewhere out of the house doesn't mean that you aren't working at all."


I told you she rocked, didn't I?  Bless you K, and all the other women AND men in the world who have to deal with this big pool of SUCK. I will pray for you all.


~namaste~

10 day check in

Well I made it to my 10-day post chemo labs.  Supposedly, this is the lowest my white count will drop which means, hopefully that I will start to slowly gain energy over the next 10 days to get ready to do it all over again.

This week has been a rollercoaster of events and emotions, and I haven't had the energy to post anything new except my little angel that helps me Be Brave.  I want to write a super cool, awesome post about my fabulous Saturday night Birthday Bash with Djinn, Beatbox Guitar and Bellyqueen, but I want to do it on a day that I have energy and can do it justice, so stay tuned.  The outcome of all that is I actually took the shrink wrap off Carmine Guida's Begintermediate doumbek, so maybe once my energy comes back up, AND Connor goes back to school, so I can have the TV, I will start practicing my rolls, pops and fills.  Drumming and bellydance music, and dancing bring so much joy and energy into my life, I think I definitely need to up my dosage! Here is an example of the fabulous talent we got to experience live on Saturday: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pR1GQCYhXzs.  I highly recommend watching, it will have you mesmerized.

I'm also trying to lower my med load, so I've been reducing some of my nightime sleepy meds, with the result being, I was awake most of the night last night.  sigh.  I did stop drinking coffee in the am, it makes me queasy even thinking about it, so I figured I may as well go off caffeine and see if that makes a difference.   If I can make it through today, without napping, then maybe I can keep it up. I hate being completely dependent on chemicals to keep me going around in my amazing lifelike state. ha.

My best girl M from high school called me yesterday, she lives in Colorado and we haven't seen each other in 20 years, but we recently caught up with each other, thanks to FB, and it makes me happy that in the midst of this Cancer experience, I get the opportunity to re-connect old friends and family relationships that have frayed over the years. I told her I was feeling pretty wiped out this week and she recommended soaking in an epsom salt bath - it restores Magnesium.  This is something new to me, so I thought it would be interesting to try it and see if it makes me feel any better.  I've been craving salty food since Chemo, so I'm thinking that I'm low on electrolytes or something, so I've been eating stuff like rice in broth with Dulse (seaweed) flakes and Kale Crisps (a la Molly Katzen).

I have so much food in my house right now- between fridge pickles and homemade jam, plus some big batches of dishes I've made that we've been eating; but just don't have enough people in the house to finish it all. I think I have lost some weight since Chemo, and I just can't afford to drop anymore, unless I plan to go as Skeletor for Halloween.

 I inventoried my pantry and cupboards on Tuesday and I'm convinced that we could live out of our pantry and freezer for at least 6 months, and probably closer to a year. Luckily it's coming on Fall, and I love to make soup with whatever I have, so I will definitely be working out different grain/bean/veggie combos in the coming weeks.  We also have a 20 cu. ft. freezer that is filled with organic local meats and veggies from our garden and fruit from the farm stand down the road.  If the zombies come, we are ready!

To add one more thing to The List of things that suck right now. Hubby got the results of his thyroid scan today and called me to tell me there is a 'mystery nodule' or 'suspicious lump' or something like that on it.  So, he gets to go to the Endocrinologist and have it checked out. Perhaps biopsied.  This is starting to sound a little like deja vu.   He tells me the GOOD news is that no one actually dies from Thyroid cancer.  Joy.

I don't have anything peppy to say about that right now.  I still need to go figure out what the heck they are talking about and try and figure out what the cabbage is going on.  We can only hope for the best and deal with the reality and keep trying to move forward. So here's to hope.

 (compliments of http://clnprint.com/2011/01/17/postaday2011/)

Tuesday

Evening reflection

++

Every night before I go to bed I usually try to lay in our girls room for a few minutes or more with my legs on the bed in the asana viparita karani (modified legs up the wall pose).  It calms my mind, relaxes my body, and there are clouds painted on the ceiling for me to watch. I actually do, too- it changes day to day on what images I can see in them, even though they are not moving or changing themselves.  It's a nice way to stretch out, unwind and soothe my body before I load it up with chemicals so I can have a peaceful night sleep.

Inevitably, my mind wanders to thoughts that sometimes turn into blog posts. I haven't yet gotten into the habit of carrying a notebook of my thoughts around with me everywhere I go to scribble down my random thoughts just yet.  I feel like I would maybe need invest in a new pair of birkenstocks and an oversize sweater if I took up the habit at this point in my life. (not that there is anything WRONG with that- I owned a fine set of birks and some oversize irish fishing sweater to knock about in in my day!)

Yet, sometimes, I do get up off the floor and post something, and I'm not at all convinced its really important to anyone else, but I must get the thought out of my mind before it drills holes into my brain or something equally destructive like trying to write poetry.

So tonight, as I was stargazing in my starry, starry night room, I had a few random thoughts I wanted to share here.

1.  I figured out I AM my own tragic romance novel.  (well, minus the money, drugs, fame and beauty.)   Just watched "Love and other drugs" with Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhal. Good movie, made me sad, it hit a little too close to home for me today.

2. Any relaxing yoga pose is not quite so relaxing when you are covered in Aveeno Oatmeal paste and your dog is in the room with you.

3. Dogs appear to REALLY enjoy the taste of aveeno Oatmeal paste.

4. Soothing Native American flute music loses some of it's serenity power when you are forced to listen to the same 3 songs  in the hospital for 12 hours straight because someone put the ipod player too far away from the bed to allow me to turn it off or change the station.  I just put it on again a month later and had flashbacks to that first horrible night post mastectomy in the hospital.  Nope not ready for that music just yet!

5. Lastly, I've noticed that successful, well read blogs usually offer give-aways that relate to what they are blogging about.  This keeps their readership interested or at least people popping by to see what they could potentially win.  But what would I give away to readers that come here?

6. I think the drugs have kicked in so it's nighty night for now.